TED讲演一个精神分裂患者的内心独白

今日，普特君为咱们引荐的讲演有一些特别。讲演者Eleanor Longden是一位精力分裂患者，多年来她常常遭到脑海中听到的声响的困扰，这些声响逐渐渐渐的变仇视，最终将她的日子变成深渊噩梦。在困难的医治进程中，Eleanor Longden开端学习倾听自己的声响，逐渐恢复精力健康，还获得了心思学理学学士和理学硕士学位。Eleanor Longden深信经历过的那些损伤，不会让咱们的人生就这样下去，咱们是绝无仅有的，心灵无法被占有歪曲或夺走，而光亮不朽。

中英全文（来自TED官网）

The day I left home for the first time to go to university was a bright day brimming with hope and optimism. I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high， and I gleefully entered the student life of lectures， parties and traffic cone theft.

我第一次离家到大学念书的那天感觉棒呆了！日子充溢期望，我学业体现不错，咱们对我期望颇高，我也满怀等待地投入大学日子，上课、参加派对、喝醉了偷交通路标。

Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive, and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer, albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one. Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure and fundamentally frightened -- frightened of other people, of the future, of failure and of the emptiness that I felt was within me. But I was skilled at hiding it, and from the outside appeared to be someone with everything to hope for and aspire to. This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete that I even deceived myself, and as the first semester ended and the second began, there was no way that anyone could have predicted what was just about to happen.

当然，工作不能只看外表。就某种程度而言，上课和偷路标这些活泼又不服输的形象仅仅假装。但粉饰得很好，足以瞒过任何人。仅仅我心里其实不高兴而且不安，骨子里很惧怕……怕其他人、未来、怕失利、还有心里的空虚感。但我躲藏得很好！外表看来就像是对全部都充溢等待与志向。什么都不怕的主意是如此完全，连我自己都信以为真，所以念完一学期。而新学期开端的时分底子没人能意料即将发作的事。

I was leaving a seminar when it started, humming to myself, fumbling with my bag just as I'd done a hundred times before, when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe, "She is leaving the room."

其时已开端上课，而我正要逃学。我边哼歌边拾掇东西动作，一如平常娴熟，这时传来一个袖手旁观的声响「她要走了」。

I looked around, and there was no one there, but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment was unmistakable. Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home, and there it was again. "She is opening the door."

我四下张望，但底子没人。那声响听来决断明晰，不或许是我听错我。太震动了，连忘在阶梯上的书都没拿就冲回家，但那声响又来了！「她正要开门」。

This was the beginning. The voice had arrived. And the voice persisted, days and then weeks of it, on and on, narrating everything I did in the third person.

[便是这样开端的]：这个声响在我耳边响起而且继续不断，每天每星期地重复以旁观者的口气叙说我做的事。

"She is going to the library."

「她要上图书馆了」

"She is going to a lecture." It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring, although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion. So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it, which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt, then the voice would sound frustrated. Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing, although even at that point it was clear that it had something to communicate to me about my emotions, particularly emotions which were remote and inaccessible.

「她要去上课了」这声响起先毫无爱情，但一段时间后却令人莫名了解与安慰。但我确实发现，这外表安静的语调有时也会不经意地走漏我躲藏的心情。就拿我常需求压抑愤恨这事来说吧！躲藏心情这事我很内行的，不过那声响就会因而听起来很泄气。但其他时分，听来还不致令人不安。虽然这声响其时很明显地有事要对我说，尤其是我的心情一向深藏不露的这件事。

Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake, in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified. A subtle conditioning process had begun, the implication that normal people don't hear voices and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong. Such fear and mistrust was infectious. Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore, and when she insisted that I seek medical attention, I duly complied, and which proved to be mistake number two.

就在那时我犯了一个大错，我把听到声响的说给一位朋友听，她吓坏了！她开端不着痕迹地导正我，暗示幻听不是正常现象。而且我自己也觉得很不对劲，这样的惊骇和疑虑是会感染的。遽然那声响听来不再那么友善，当她坚持我有必要去看医生，我依从地照做，但过后证明又错了！

I spent some time telling the college G.P. about what I perceived to be the real problem: anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future, and was met with bored indifference until I mentioned the voice, upon which he dropped his pen, swung round and began to question me with a show of real interest. And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help, and I began to tell him about my strange commentator. And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said, "She is digging her own grave."

之后我找校医谈，说出我忧虑的问题，像是焦虑、没自傲和对未来惊骇。但对方没什么爱好，也不在乎，但当我一说到，听见有人说话这件事，他马上放下手中的笔，转过头来开端很关心肠问了一些问题。公私分明，我其时十分巴望关心和协助，所以我就把有一位「评论员」的事说出来了，我深信其时那声响会说「她在自作自受」。

I was referred to a psychiatrist, who likewise took a grim view of the voice's presence, subsequently interpreting everything I said through a lens of latent insanity. For example, I was part of a student TV station that broadcast news bulletins around the campus, and during an appointment which was running very late, I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go. I'm reading the news at six." Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster.

我被转介给精力科医生，有声响这件事被很严厉地看待。所以接着我所说的全部都被当作精力反常的或许预兆。比方说，咱们校园有新闻电视台吗，而我是成员之一，有一次会晤的时间太久我说:「医生，抱愧我得走了！」「我还要回去报6点的新闻」，成果确诊书上说我梦想自已是电视新闻主播。

It was at this point that events began to rapidly overtake me. A hospital admission followed, the first of many, a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next, and then, worst of all, a toxic, tormenting sense of hopelessness, humiliation and despair about myself and my prospects.

从此工作发展迅速超出我所能掌控，就在我住院后精力分裂的确诊也逐个确认了。最糟的是，那种不抱期望、耻辱还有对自己和出路失望的摧残令人苦楚不堪。

But having been encouraged to see the voice not as an experience but as a symptom, my fear and resistance towards it intensified. Now essentially, this represented taking an aggressive stance towards my own mind, a kind of psychic civil war, and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase and grow progressively hostile and menacing. Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat into this nightmarish inner world in which the voices were destined to become both my persecutors and my only perceived companions. They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy of their help, then they could change my life back to how it had been, and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set, a kind of labor of Hercules. It started off quite small, for example, pull out three strands of hair, but gradually it grew more extreme, culminating in commands to harm myself, and a particularly dramatic instruction

由于一向被灌注这个观念：听到怪声响不是一种经历，是有病。我对此的惊骇和抵抗也日积月累。本质上，这等于要我与自己的思想为敌，就像是心灵内战。成果我听到的怪声响反而变多了，且逐渐衍生出歹意。感到失望又无助的我便自我关闭于噩梦般的心里世界，而那些声响便成了其间我仅有的同伴及加害者。那些声响告诉我，假如我能证明自己值得他们协助，那么他们可让我的人生回到本来的姿态，而一连串奇怪的使命于焉打开都不是简单敷衍的。那种刚开端还仅仅小意思，像是拔下3搓头发，但逐渐肆无忌惮，最终要我做一些损伤自己的事还有一些蛮夸大的指示。

"You see that tutor over there? You see that glass of water? Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."

「看见那助教没？」「有一杯水对吧？」「我要你曩昔在其他学生面前，把水倒在他头上」

Which I actually did, and which needless to say did not endear me to the faculty.

我真的照做了！当然不用说我也成为教职员眼中的头痛人物。

In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance, mistrust and misunderstanding had been established, and this was a battle in which I felt powerless and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation.

事实上，惊骇、逃避猜疑和误解的恶性循环现已构成，但我无力抵抗也无法退让或安静下来。

Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic. By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire: terrifying voices, grotesque visions, bizarre, intractable delusions. My mental health status had been a catalyst for discrimination, verbal abuse, and physical and sexual assault, and I'd been told by my psychiatrist, "Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer, because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia." I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded, and was by now so tormented by the voices that I attempted to drill a hole in my head in order to get them out.

2年后，状况急剧转坏。这期间我经历过各种怪事，令人惧怕的声响，丑恶的印象，莫名的奇怪幻象。而我的心思状况让我饱尝轻视与言词侮辱乃至被进犯和性侵。我的心思医生还曾告诉我「Eleanor，你若是得癌症还比较好」「精力分裂还比较难治！」。通过确诊、用药，然后被遗弃，深受那些声响所苦，让我一度想在头上开个洞好把那些声响赶出去。

Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years, it seems to me now as if someone died in that place, and yet, someone else was saved. A broken and haunted person began that journey, but the person who emerged was a survivor and would ultimately grow into the person I was destined to be.

回忆这些年的千疮百孔，看来就像有人陨殁但另一个人却获救，起先那个伤痕累累又不安的人已褪变为一个救星，最终变成命中注定的姿态。

Many people have harmed me in my life, and I remember them all, but the memories grow pale and faint in comparison with the people who've helped me. The fellow survivors, the fellow voice-hearers, the comrades and collaborators; the mother who never gave up on me, who knew that one day I would come back to her and was willing to wait for me for as long as it took; the doctor who only worked with me for a brief time but who reinforced his belief that recovery was not only possible but inevitable, and during a devastating period of relapse told my terrified family, "Don't give up hope. I believe that Eleanor can get through this. Sometimes, you know, it snows as late as May, but summer always comes eventually."

我这一生被许多人损伤过，而且我都记住。但相较于受人恩惠，那些不堪回忆的事就显得含糊含糊了。那些同病相怜的过来人、朋友和同伴还有对我从未抛弃期望的母亲。她知道女儿总有一天会恢复，而她乐意一向等下去。那位和我素昧平生的医生，不只深信我有或许恢复，而且一定会恢复。在我病况不断复发，令人心力瘦弱的那段时间，他告诉我的家人:「别抛弃期望！「我信任Eleanor能捱过这关！」「有时分5月天也会下雪」「但夏天毕竟会来！」

Fourteen minutes is not enough time to fully credit those good and generous people who fought with me and for me and who waited to welcome me back from that agonized, lonely place. But together, they forged a blend of courage, creativity, integrity, and an unshakeable belief that my shattered self could become healed and whole. I used to say that these people saved me, but what I now know is they did something even more important in that they empowered me to save myself, and crucially, they helped me to understand something which I'd always suspected: that my voices were a meaningful response to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events, and as such were not my enemies but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.

14分钟的时间其实不行我去感谢那些拉我一把的好人，有人与我并肩作战，为我挺身而出。还有人盼着我从孤单悲痛中恢复过来，但他们一起造就的勇气、创造力、诚信和坚决信仰让本来四分五裂的我，得以找回完好的自己。我曾说这些人救了我，但我现在才了解是他们让我有力气解救自己。更重要的是，他们让我了解一件我曩昔一向不确认的事，我所听见的那些声响，其实是以有含义的办法呼应曩昔的伤痛，尤其是我的幼年。这样说来，咱们不该彼此为敌，是这些声响让我看清那些并非无解的心情问题。

Now, at first, this was very difficult to believe, not least because the voices appeared so hostile and menacing, so in this respect, a vital first step was learning to separate out a metaphorical meaning from what I'd previously interpreted to be a literal truth. So for example, voices which threatened to attack my home I learned to interpret as my own sense of fear and insecurity in the world, rather than an actual, objective danger.

起先这很难去信任，不只由于那些声响好像不怀好意。既然如此，首要进程便是学着从我本来了解的表象中找到其间的隐含的含义。举例来说，那些声响曾要挟要突击我家，那时我习气以本身的惊骇感和不安来解读工作而非真实详细的风险。

Now at first, I would have believed them. I remember, for example, sitting up one night on guard outside my parents' room to protect them from what I thought was a genuine threat from the voices. Because I'd had such a bad problem with self-injury that most of the cutlery in the house had been hidden, so I ended up arming myself with a plastic fork, kind of like picnic ware, and sort of sat outside the room clutching it and waiting to spring into action should anything happen. It was like, "Don't mess with me. I've got a plastic fork, don't you know?" Strategic.

刚开端我信以为真，还记住有一次我彻夜不眠，守在我爸妈房门前，防范我以为那些声响很或许带来的要挟。由于在那之前我自残过好几回，所以家里大部分的餐具都被藏起来。最终我拿一支塑料叉当兵器，便是那种野餐用的，然后坐在门外把叉子夹在腋下高度警戒。那景象就像说:「别惹我！」「你不知道我有兵器吗?」这是我用的战术。

But a later response, and much more useful, would be to try and deconstruct the message behind the words, so when the voices warned me not to leave the house, then I would thank them for drawing my attention to how unsafe I felt -- because if I was aware of it, then I could do something positive about it -- but go on to reassure both them and myself that we were safe and didn't need to feel frightened anymore. I would set boundaries for the voices, and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive yet respectful, establishing a slow process of communication and collaboration in which we could learn to work together and support one another.

但我随后的反响比较有用，我测验拆解弦外之音。所以当声响正告我不要出门，我会谢谢他们的提示，让我注意到自己多缺少安全感。因有这份认知，我就能够活跃面临问题，安慰自己及那些声响，咱们很安全，用不着惧怕。我会与「他们」划清界线，试着以坚决的心情与他们交流，但坚持尊重并放缓交流及协作的进程，这样「咱们」才干学习同事，相互扶持。

Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize was that each voice was closely related to aspects of myself, and that each of them carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had an opportunity to process or resolve, memories of sexual trauma and abuse, of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth. The voices took the place of this pain and gave words to it, and possibly one of the greatest revelations was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices actually represented the parts of me that had been hurt most profoundly, and as such, it was these voices that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.

通过这全部，我才茅塞顿开每一个我听到的声响都跟自己密切相关，而且都带着充足的心情，仅仅我曾经没时机处理那些回忆。像是性伤口、性虐待、愤恨、羞愧、罪恶感和自暴自弃，那些声响替代了伤痛并把苦楚说出来。不过最重要的启示也许是，当我了解那些最具歹意和侵略性的声响其实就代表我受伤最深的那部分。因而，正是这些声响需求最多关爱和怜惜。

It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately I would gather together my shattered self, each fragment represented by a different voice, gradually withdraw from all my medication, and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side. Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated, this time with the highest degree in psychology the university had ever given, and one year later, the highest masters, which shall we say isn't bad for a madwoman. In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers during the exam, which technically possibly counts as cheating.

正是这样的领会让我最终乐意把那些声响构成的片段凑集起来，找回完好的自我，并逐渐脱节对药物的依靠。我又回到精力科，不过这次是研讨。第一次听到声响已是10年前的事了，而这次我总算获得心思学最高学位！是我母校在该范畴颁发过的最高学历，对一个疯女人来说能获得硕士学历也不差！老实说，考试的时分我还听到报答案的声响这应该算做弊吧！

And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well. As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. It also makes you very good at eavesdropping, because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously. So it's not all bad.

坦白讲，我有时还挺享用这种被「照顾」的感觉。就像王尔德说的，仅有比被人谈论更糟糕的事便是你这人底子何足挂齿。这经历让我十分长于偷听人说话，由于我可一起听懂两头的对话，算起来也没那么糟！

I worked in mental health services, I spoke at conferences, I published book chapters and academic articles, and I argued, and continue to do so, the relevance of the following concept: that an important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you but rather what's happened to you. And all the while, I listened to my voices, with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect and which in turn reflected a growing sense of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself. And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices, and becoming fully aware, for the very first time, that I no longer felt that way myself but was finally able to help someone else who was.

我在心思健康部分工作过，也在多场研讨会上宣布过讲演，还出书过专文与书本专章，到现在我还在争辩接下来这个观念的关联性。精力病确诊上，关键问题不该该是「你哪里不对劲？」而是「发作什么事了？」最近一段时间我倾听那些好不简单得以泰然自若的声响，而这也反映出我越来越能怜惜、接收和尊重自己。记住最令我感动的特别时间是协助另一个被自己心里声响吓坏的年青女人，那是我初次知道到我看待自己的办法改动了，而且还有才能帮他人打破。

I'm now very proud to be a part of Intervoice, the organizational body of the International Hearing Voices Movement, an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme and Dr. Sandra Escher, which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy, a sane reaction to insane circumstances, not as an aberrant symptom of schizophrenia to be endured, but a complex, significant and meaningful experience to be explored. Together, we envisage and enact a society that understands and respects voice hearing, supports the needs of individuals who hear voices, and which values them as full citizens. This type of society is not only possible, it's already on its way. To paraphrase Chavez, once social change begins, it cannot be reversed. You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride. You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore.

身为「众声喧闹」(Intervoice)的一员，我引以为荣！它是世界听声安排(the International Hearing Voices Movement)的谋划单位在Sandra Escher博士和Marius Romme教授的作品启示下树立。他们将「听到声响」视为一种生计战略，一种在反常情境下的合理反响，不是旁人有必要容纳的精力分裂症状，反而是有待深入研讨、杂乱、重要且有含义的经历。咱们一起预见并推动能了解尊重「听声者」的社会环境，支撑他们的需求把他们当享有权力的公民看待，这种社会不光或许且已逐渐构成。用美国社会运动家César Chávez的话说社会变迁一旦开端便无法回头，自重之人不会为人所侮辱，临危不惧之人则不为人所压榨。

For me, the achievements of the Hearing Voices Movement are a reminder that empathy, fellowship, justice and respect are more than words; they are convictions and beliefs, and that beliefs can change the world. In the last 20 years, the Hearing Voices Movement has established hearing voices networks in 26 countries across five continents, working together to promote dignity, solidarity and empowerment for individuals in mental distress, to create a new language and practice of hope, which, at its very center, lies an unshakable belief in the power of the individual.

对我来说，世界听声安排(IHVM)的成果提示世人同理心、友谊正义和尊重胜过言语，它们是坚决的信仰，而信仰能够改动世界。世界听声安排在曩昔20年已在5大洲的26国树立联络管道，一起努力进步接受精力摧残者的庄严、联合和自立才能，期望以此刻画期望的言词与实践，其间的中心便是对个人才能坚决不疑的信仰。

As Peter Levine has said, the human animal is a unique being endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal and the intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity. In this respect, for members of society, there is no greater honor or privilege than facilitating that process of healing for someone, to bear witness, to reach out a hand, to share the burden of someone's suffering, and to hold the hope for their recovery. And likewise, for survivors of distress and adversity, that we remember we don't have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us. We are unique. We are irreplaceable. What lies within us can never be truly colonized, contorted, or taken away. The light never goes out.

美国心思医生Peter Levine说过人类是很特别的生物，与生俱来就有疗愈才能和运用此天分的才智。因而，身为社会的一份子，最侥幸的事莫过于帮人自我疗愈见证全部，伸出援手并分管苦痛还要坚持人们恢复的期望。同样地，我要对那些历尽磨难的人说，咱们咱们都知道经历过的那些损伤，不会让咱们的人生就这样下去，咱们是绝无仅有的心灵无法被占有歪曲或夺走，而光亮不朽。

As a very wonderful doctor once said to me, "Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself. Tell me about you."

好像一位名医对我说过「不要跟我说他人对你的观点！」「我要听你怎样看待自己！」

Thank you.

谢谢！

普特英语精品听力课程引荐

100天听力训练营

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100天听力课程你将收成

1.3000左右的词汇量增加；堆集很多的有用表达

2.实在进步听力才能，不会再呈现“看得懂却听不懂”的问题，把握操练听力的办法，逐渐能够听懂VOA BBC新闻，无字幕看电影

3.累计精听21000字，相当于默写了一本《小王子》

4.了解多样的听力资料，有才能在令人目不暇接的商场中找出对自己最合适学习的内容；

5.关于英文发音的连略读现象有深入的知道，在日后的学习中，有才能找出自己听不懂的原因，而且能够自主处理和剖析问题

6.大幅度进步应试成果